Heaven on Earth

yall…

so much is changing.

Joshua is a fishing captain now and our life is changing from the farm life to boats, the beach and a fisherman’s wife. we added a 3rd child to the mix and i didnt even make it 2 weeks postpartum and my husband rubs my belly asking me if i was ready for the 4th…. and you know what I think I am.

I have always had this weird underlining shame sometimes that I am finally able to birth a child.

I don’t know if its because I lost my two angels before my birth journeys or because I see so many that hurt with the same lose, infertility, and miscarriages that I did but sometimes I catch myself not being ME about it…i check myself and my feelings because I know so many hurt and I don’t want to ever take it for granted or seem like its just ‘easy’ for me now but of course I want a 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, and 8th. why not?

If the Lord is willing to bless us with more children who am to stop him? it’s more than just our story it’s HIS too and its theirs. So I’m going to embrace my blessings when it comes to more children in the future from now on..

I promised yall I would write about Murphys birth story this next post but the truth is my head and heart aren’t just their… you see… i miss my mother… and when I miss mother…. well, it just takes over my heart and head.

but for now let’s start with Murf.

Joshua and I planned for a home birth this time and let me tell ya, that aint what we got LOL

we paid the midwife and bought all the things but Murphy had complete other plans.

The last month before he came I was experiencing extreme depression, headaches, no appetite and horrible itching on my hands feet and chest….

Joshua was away for fishing season weeks at a time so everyday I was faced with the kids, the house and animals and it just became too much for me.

it’s hard to admit it but I was completely miserable.

cried everyday.

I even almost went into preterm labor one evening 2 weeks before he came and it was hands down the scariest thing ever.

thankfully with bloodwork and listening to my conscience I found out I was suffering from cholestasis of pregnancy.

basically your liver is not filtering out your bile correctly and it is getting into your bloodstream which causes the extreme itching and other symptoms. isn’t that crazy? I had never heard of it before.

Well Monday I had an appointment to get more tests to see if Murphy was stressed at all inside my tummy because most women are sadly recommended to be induced at 36-38 weeks because of this so Sunday night i am so so nervous…. But i keep feeling his kicks so I pray. I stay calm.

I got everything done sunday night and everyone was settled and sleeping.

I started having contractions at 8pm that evening and they picked up around 3am. they were very intense and 4-5 minutes apart until the next morning 7am when I finally got up to get ready for the appointment..

I had some bloody show at this point so I was extremely worried.

I grabbed a sweater and a bag of pistachios and cried the whole way to TMH

I begged God “please just give me my baby…I am not strong enough to lose him..I just want to see his face Lord I want to be his mother, I want to watch him grow...”

by the time i get there I had to stuff tissue in my pants because I didn’t have a pad or extra clothes and I was bleeding everywhere.

When I finally got checked in and got looked at by the midwife at TMH she informed me the baby was completely fine and so was I. I was 5cm and my water broke. I was having a baby today!! talk about mind blown!! and prayers answered. oh but wait….Joshua ISN’T IN TOWN. He isn’t even ON LAND. He was 16 miles out at Sea……..

I got to my room for birth and shut off the world.

I was not going to go against my plan.

I wasn’t at home but I was still capable of being in the tub and not getting an epidural.

I was born to birth and I could do it with or without Joshua.

I was prepared to listen to my body and to breathe Murphy out into this world..

It’s what I wanted…What I prepared for all these months…I could not look back now.

I sat on the birthing ball with my head down on the bed.

I plugged in my headphones and blasted Goodness of God by Cece Winans..

For some reason it was just MY SONG this season of pregnancy..

the hours went by and I felt my body going into transition..

I ripped off the wires and straps and told Joshua to fill up the tub as high and as HOT as it would go.

oh yeah joshua made it IN TIME hahahaha

he showed up and 45 min later Murphy was born.

I stayed in the tub 10 minutes the nurse said and the next thing I know I feel his head drop to my ass and I scream out this scream of pure FEAR.

Joshua pulls the emergency string and three nurses run in the bathroom and I hear one say “I see the head I see the head”’ The other grabs my hand and says “ok when you’re ready let’s get you to the bed”

I wanted to birth him in the tub but truthfully the intense pressure made some other things flow right out too and ima leave it at that LOL

I walked to the bead and sat down just to push him out in 3 big pushes! Ha! Can you believe it. 5 pounds 10 ounces of pure joy.

when he hit my chest he was screaming his head off and it was the greatest high of my life…

I am completely and utterly in love with a chunky hairy man named Murphy Lew MIddleton Sapp.

so yeah Again..I miss my mother.. even with all my joy.. all my blessings… my beautiful children husband and life i miss her so much..

I wish she was here to come over and help and laugh with me and chase clarabella down the hall, read jack a book or rock murphy to sleep.

We have come to a point where it feels like she is almost a stranger and my heart breaks for her and myself.

I know everyone has given up on her but I can’t…she is my mother and that word.. that meaning whether she deserves it or not means something to me.

when I hold murphy in my arms, watch jack ride his bike and yell for clarabella to come down the slide I am at my happiest.

I am going to spend their whole life worrying loving and taking care of them preparing them to fly watching them grow…just to have to turn around and watch them have to Go..

the changes are coming faster than I would like.. I wish they would stay 6, 1 and a newborn forever..

I thank God even in my pain without my mother that I have peace and content being their mother.. being joshua’s wife.. being able to stay home and watch them grow even though it won’t be forever. even though one day the house will be empty of diapers and messes and toys… and my job will be robbed from me thanks to their independence..time is not on my side.. i must soak up every second before my babies are no longer babies..and in the midst of it all I must fall deeper and deeper in love with my husband and all the while finding what makes me thrive without all of them around… i never want our paths with each other to end I don’t want to give up this season.. just the way we are right now is my Heaven.