hey alexa, play Marvin Gaye

today was one of those days….

you finally get everyone to sleep..

you finally take off your bra..

you get in the shower and as the hot water hits your back you can finally scream…

you can cry…

you can let out all of the crippling and intoxicating emotions that filled up so much space in your mind all day.

even with a mind like mind, one that is like a filing cabinet there is still times when the sun peaks from behind the pines and it hits my face and I smile.

even i have a reason to keep going when deep down it seems like sometimes it would be so nice just to give up

my mother is hurting

my grandmother is hurting

my sister is hurting

my brother

my uncle

my aunt

i am hurting because they hurt.

i am hurting because I am tired.

I am tired from dishes and diapers.

laundry and picking up toys

making 3 meals a day with snacks in between

doing everything for everyone and no one doing anything for me

i’m not writing the truth because I need some kind of pity party

i write the truth because i know somewhere someone feels this way too.

i write the truth because why not?

it makes me feel better

I haven’t written in a while because I always feel like I must censor myself to you all.

I can tell you just enough to relate but not enough to pour out my deep rooted realities.

i’m scared i might scare you

worry you.

but at the same time if you can’t take it.. if you can’t relate..or simply just don’t get it …then you’re not my cup of tea

i carry too much.

i hate the way i allow my family to control my emotions, my attitude, my spirit.

I look out unto the ones I am bonded to by blood and i wonder why at 30 years old they still bring me so much pain..

i know they don’t mean to… they are products of their childhood… their environments…like me.

I just wish we could all play some Marvin Gaye and GET ALONG :)

i feel so alone, do you?

a house full of blessings and a list of things to be thankful for but my mind always takes me to this bizarre place of self loathing.

joshua says im a prick.

that i think i’ve had it so bad that no one else in the world gets what it’s like to be me.. but they don’t, right?

he worries about money.. providing for our family.

says I spend the money faster than it comes in.

I argue that he doesn’t know the ends and outs of this household.

he wakes up…

takes a 30 minute shit

drinks the coffee i make

gets dressed in the clothes i wash fold and put away

leaves for work

gets a paycheck

comes home to a clean house

dinner on the table

shampoo in the shower

fresh towels folded and ready to be used

toothpaste to brush his teeth

sheets and blankets to cover him in the bed i washed and made

and i wonder…..where is my paycheck?

why do i value his worries less than mine?

why doesn’t he truly comprehend all that i do.

that i think of

worry about

run to the store for.

after he changes a diaper he leaves it open on the dresser.

i fold mine in the most secure way and throw it in the trash can

why does it matter to me more than it matters to him?

why cant i sometimes even at 30 years old be sad over shit that happen to me when i was a child.

i don’t want to be sad i don’t wanna think of my issues but im human…and sometimes i do.

sometimes i don’t have a say so

sometimes it clouds my mind like a thick misty morning

sometimes i wanna be left alone and listen to mary j blige and just drink wine and cry and ask god why

today was one of those days when you call your best friend and you say all the things you think alone in your head

she is your safe place.

she comforts.

she tells you the truth when you’re being an ass

and she makes you laugh when you need it most.

as sure as the leaves will fall and the sun will rise i’ll continue to overcome my mind.

my childhood.

my self doubt..

joshua loves me

he will never give up on me

BUT

he will never know what it’s like to worry where you will lay your head

what it’s like seeing your mother make a crack pipe.

i know people have had it much worse than me but it doesn’t exclude my trama.

I work everyday to not allow it to seep through and trickle down to my children

you can’t be happy all the time

life is anything but a fairytale

it’s truly mundane and when we are lucky

enough sometimes our path leads to something unknown

and even if thats something that makes us hesitant it’s still

exciting and thrilling and so satisfying to experience things outside the lines.

at the end of the day i came into this world alone and i’ll leave alone

i gotta get right with me

i gotta land my eyes on the things i really dont wanna see

that’s the only way to grow

and if you agree with me, let me know.

what we can cling to in the matter of time while we try and mend our brokenness is always jesus

when the lights wont work

the mics won’t connect

the stage falls

the people leave

my voice is still strong and heard by thee

xoxo

juju