Two Little Butterflies

for a while now i have felt this push from the Lord..

it seems a pattern has been replaying in my life.

I would get through a hard time and i would stumble back into the mundane of life and motherhood forgetting who gave me this life….

Jacks adoption…my miscarriages…Clarabella’s birth….murphys early birth… and when I was finally done with those times in which I was calling on God to get me through I would get settled and be in my happy miracle bubble and I would slowly just kind of put him back to the end of my list.

I wouldn’t carve out time for his word…time for worship or even prayer.

could it be that God is sick of this run around with me?

that he has brought me to this place of complete and utter desperation that I am FORCED to look no where else but to Him.

I am coming up on 21 weeks pregnant this saturday and it is a miracle I have made it this far. My membranes ruptured at 18 weeks & 4 days in June.

50 percent of woman go into labor within 48 hours of this happening to them.

some go into labor within 7 days.

and some are told there is no hope for their babies development without the amniotic fluid to help develop their babies lungs and are asked if they want to terminate their pregnancy.

I mean really, could you imagine?!

as a mother when I was told that I would have to make a decision to save myself or my babies I was completely ripped open….

induce my labor and Kill my babies so I can live because the infection that i would form from the fluid leaking could make me go septic.

i just couldn’t expect this fate.

i refuse to believe that God would bless me with a baby then at

13 weeks I would bleed so much that I was SURE i was having a miscarriage.

Only to go into the doctor and be told that not only can they not explain the bleeding but that everything was fine and I was actually PREGNANT WITH FREAKING TWINS.

talk about a miracle. a blessing. an out of body experience.

there is something else going on here… this is a spiritual awakening.

after making it days in the hospital with no signs of infection or labor I was sent home to bed rest til 22 weeks.

im faithful but i’m also human.

i have a brain.

i have intrusive thoughts.

MY nightmares have me waking up in pure sweat after dreaming of me delivering my babies on the bathroom floor that are the size of my hand and watching them die in them.

i would not wish this torture and hell on my worst enemy.

it has been the longest 19 days of my life.

i have prayed more, read my bible more, gotten on my KNEES and begged the lord for his mercy more in these 19 days then i have in my whole 31 years of living.

god tells me to wait.

he tells me to watch him move

to be faithful

to remember all he has already brought me through.

we had our 20 week check up yesterday and though my babies fluid is low they are ALIVE.

strong heart beats. livers working. stomachs filled with fluid which means they are swallowing and using the bathroom correctly.

i feel them kicking all day long

OH WHAT A JOY to feel my precious loves kick and live inside me.

i am so so blessed

I feel so much comfort from their kicks LOL

and OOP they JUST kicked as i’m writing this.

even in this storm that is so heavy and so thick I do feel this sense of PEACE…

not a peace that everything will be what I want it to be but a peace that I will not fall to this circumstance.

God is not limited to our troubles. doctors statistics. sickness or even death.

Luke 8:43-48:

“Now there was a woman who had been suffering from hemorrhages for twelve years; and though she had spent all she had on physicians, no one could cure her. She came up behind Jesus and touched the fringe of his clothes, and immediately her hemorrhage stopped. Then Jesus asked, ‘Who touched me?’ When all denied it, Peter said, ‘Master, the crowds surround you and press in on you.’ But Jesus said, ‘Someone touched me; for I noticed that power had gone out from me.’ When the woman saw that she could not remain hidden, she came trembling; and falling down before him, she declared in the presence of all the people why she had touched him, and how she had been immediately healed. He said to her, ‘Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace.’”

MY FAITH will make me well.

MY FAITH will get me through this nightmare.

MY FAITH will bring my babies home

God knows my heart and soul he knows the way I am.. what I long for the most.

to be a mother is my only desire.

to watch all 5 of my babies grow

my two angel babies were miscarried years ago and now he has restored my life and kept his promises to make something new out of our pain and he gave them back to me. I refuse to fall to the doubt that the Devil pushes in my head. I refuse to believe that this all is happening for nothing.

next saturday I go into the hospital at 22 weeks to start the steroids for my babies lungs.

the doctors don’t expect me to stay pregnant much longer…i can see it in their faces when they speak to me about all my options.

the steroids will give them a greater chance to survive outside of my womb when they come out premature because it will help their lungs develop more each day by up to 3 percent. within hours they are receiving benefits from these steroids is what they tell me.

I am thankful for the doctors I am thankful for medicine. I know that it can help and it can heal, i am not doubting that.

but the reality is the doctors DON’T really know.

they cant give me any FOR SURE answers.

so i look to my only hope. my only answer. my only FOR SURE option and that is the Lord.

i will be going in the hospital and I will be staying there until I give birth.

as I type this it’s hard to get through that fact in my head.

so many tears are falling on my keyboard.

I won’t be able to tuck in my sweet murphy lew to bed for so long.

I won’t be able to check on my feisty clarabella jean every 5 minutes after bedtime to make sure her blanket is covering her legs so she wont get cold.

and I won’t be able to kiss my perfect jackie on the cheek after he falls asleep each night.

I feel as though my heart may break into a million pieces and I will never be able to put it back to together again.

I will miss out on homeschooling this year and I will not be there for jacks first day of 3rd grade.

I wont get a baby shower that we have all been planning for for weeks and been so excited about.

I won’t be able to redo the kids rooms and setup both cribs and enjoy my pregnancy or go into nesting mode and get everything prepared and perfect how I like it before I bring my babies home.

I am forced to let it all go and to focus only on my health and the health of my twins.

when it all boils down I know that none of that really matters.

Joshua will tuck them in. Joshua will kiss them and cover them up from the cold.

he will get this time to bond with them more and see just how much I really do.

how much I truly sacrifice as a Mother.

what life is like without me at home.

I don’t know when my babies will come I don’t know if or when infection might set in.

I am in the dark holding on to the fringe of Gods clothes by my teeth with nothing but my faith.

My sweet beautiful Gardner Dawn Sapp. named after his aunt linda’s maiden name and his grandmother’s middle name. I pray you grow so big that the doctors can’t believe it, can’t explain it. That they themselves if not believers will question their own lives and faith in God. That you will break chains and tell stories of how you should have and could have never been born but the faithfulness of your mother kept your heart beating and your sweet body growing and that all the glory goes to God for your life and your future.

my sweet beautiful Goldie Sue Sapp. You are my last baby. my treasure. my gold. Your middle name is of your great grandmother Susan. I pray you grow and become just like her. Kind and thoughtful and strong in your faith. a person that enters a room and makes it brighter. when people leave you they leave BETTER. youre growing smaller than your brother but you will be fine. you will be just as strong. you both have each other and you are a miracle. Your life will be filled with laughter and friendship and you will speak of the time your brother broke your mother’s water and caused so much trouble!! That God never left your mother’s side and your mother never gave up hope. That you should have never made it passed 19 weeks but you made it passed 22 and then 25 and then 27 and then 30. That you look just like your Papa Todd cause “all my parents children come out looking like that man” and your life will be a reflection of God’s love for his people.

God give me the courage. the strength. the power to keep going.

You are so good.

Amen.

xoxo