Sunday Scaries

how lucky are the birds… so free.

I watch out my window as they fly carelessly over the tops of the hospital building…

their movement is almost like a song….

effortlessly gliding along the wind and sky while they bounce up and down to wherever they want to go.

i am extremely jealous.

i am a girl that likes to feel the grass and dirt between her toes…

I look forward to the sound of my rooster in the morning..

if i feel myself coming down with something i eat fresh garlic and drink raw honey.

i collect my tomatoes jalapenos and pumpkins for dinner from our garden..

I take out venison when i wake up from the freezer to thaw out…

to get that one package of meat took time effort money and determination..sacrifice.

when my kids get a cut or burn or rash i rub tallow on them..

when i have a headache i drink coconut water or eat chewable grapefruit pills..

this place.. this hospital… is not for me…

i am uncomfortable…

i am scared.

i feel outnumbered.

not heard..

i want a midwife.

i want a giant tub of hot water to relax in

i want my privacy

I don’t want to be told I am high risk

i don’t want my stomach cut open

i want to have my babies the way my soul tells me I should.

god, can you please make that happen?

I feel like only you could make this a possibility…

i feel my body telling me its tired…

my water has been broken for 10 weeks…

my body has given me 2 other children and now it will give me two more and I think she is done after that..

why does this make me so heart broken?

i feel it is because it doesn’t seem like it’s really my choice…

but maybe in a way it is… my body is speaking to me..but I am not a body…. I am A SOUL.

sometimes it is hard to determine the line between heart and head.

I never wanna listen to my head….it has let me down every single time.

only my heart, my soul, which the Lord speaks to me through is my guidance.

my babies heartbeats are stronger and easier to find with each week that passes…

their kicks are giant and powerful and bring me peace of mind..

the doctors can’t believe i am still pregnant…

they don’t understand how my babies have fluid still.

how could I leak fluid and blood everyday but still every ultrasound they are at normal levels with the amniotic fluid.

I have met so many nurses and tech’s i have lost count…

a few have become my friends..

my laughter in this mundane day to day..

the kids come to see me on the weekends….usually saturdays..

we eat lunch and have lots of snuggles and after a short time they are ready to break loose..

as they walk away down the hallway my sweet murphy lew just keeps turning his head back to look at me and waving his chunky little hand at me “goodbye mommy”

i feel as though someone has stabbed me in my chest..i am biting the inside of my cheeks so i dont burst into tears..

he runs down the hallway back to me and makes a kissy face with his lips and reaching up to me ..i bend down to his sweet face to receive his precious love for me…

he hugs me so tight…

i feel as though i could just crumble in that moment…

i have never been away from him before…

the guilt is enough to crush me completely…

my heart literally truly aches..

they turn the corner and they are all gone..

I rush to the bathroom and lock the door and sit on the toilet and cry out to God in desperation..

begging him to make me strong. begging him to comfort me..

my prayer: i have never felt this pain before God.. I cannot make it another day another second without your peace or comfort I don’t know how I have made it 30 days without my children and husband and home and life and I don’t know how I will do it another 30 but I beg you lord to grow my babies to turn them head down to make my birth the birth I want..for them to both latch for the NICU to be avoided and for me to blink and be back home with my family…god am i asking too much? am i crazy to believe you will answer those specific requests.? there is so many hurting around me.. mothers whose sons need new hearts.. mothers whose babies died in their arms..mothers who haven’t been able to get pregnant yet.. I think of them… they keep me going too..

the other women in my hallway are dropping like flies…

every week someone is being taken down stairs for emergency delivery.. emergency c section..

it scares me God..

when is it my turn?

i have faced many scary things in my life… scary people.. why does this time feel like its the top of that list?

what do you have in store for me God?

for my family?

i know your promise.. and that promise is to make all things into good for me..so please remind me of that daily.

It is so hard to stay focused on that when there are so many things around me.. clouding my vision.

God make a way for me…

push through every single crum of my story and make a way for me…a way for victory.

AMEN

this same memory comes to me in my fear…

its me sitting on the bed and my twins are snuggled up in front of me between my legs as i crouch down over them with my hands lightly laid on both sides of them… just watching… soaking up the miracles before my eyes…

smelling their sweet heads and kissing their sweet cheeks…

my nonnie passed down to all of us this gene to drop two eggs at once and it skipped everyone…

her…my mother..my grandmother..my aunt sandy..my tia karen..my cousins…

it skipped everyone but me…

I feel like harry potter the chosen one HAHA

i feel so blessed by her.. loved by her..close to her in a weird way..

I feel confident in the lessons im learning through this blessing and experience… it will not be in vain.

jack elliott, clarabella jean, murphy lew middleton, gardner dawn and goldie sue each have their own story they can tell already.. each of them were not just some stroke of luck or roll of the dice.

they were thoroughly made in the womb for a specific purpose…far beyond me or my experience with them.. they have their own stories to write..own testimonies to speak.. i just want to watch them live it out… how grateful I am to be their mother…

the days are short here… they don’t seem to drag on that much.. i am thankful for that…

I look forward to my rocking chair on the front porch when I get home…

my homemade bone broth and sweet basil Tea…

i look forward to laying on my husband’s chest and falling asleep.

I am taking every moment in this season to be grateful.. to take nothing for granted ever again…

God give me the strength to make it even longer..

don’t let my spirit be crushed…

keep my smile Big.

Please

xoxo