Angel Baby
well friends it has been an entire year since i last wrote to you..
The last time I typed out my heart in words i was in a hospital bed feeling the kicks of both my twins inside of my body. I was hopeful that the Lord would get us all three through this situation that life threw us alive and well and I was longing for the days when I would be back homeā¦ to feel the grass in my toes, the wind on my face and hear the birds sing again.
I had no idea that in just 16 days time I would get one thing I prayed for over the last two and half months and that was to birth my babies the way I wanted.. I mean not exactly the way I wanted.. on the table of a c-section operating room aint no peaceful experience but just not to have to have a C-section, you know? I guess God knew what was coming for me, you know? I was at such a high after birth to only fall extremely low and I mean as low as you could possibly fall because the next day I endured the deepest darkest most awful soul binding crippling pain that the world has to offer i thinkā¦ or least itās on top 5 of the list.
I'll never forget the words of the doctor telling me that my babies heartbeat was gone. Those of you who have never given your dead baby a bath let me tell you it is one of the most gut wrenching things I've ever done in my whole life. The first time holding my daughter was my last time. I just kept saying āmommy loves you so much, Mommy loves you so muchā. I begged God to not let me forget her smell her sweet tiny hands and feet or the way her nose looked just like Clarabellaās when she was bornā¦oh Clarabella.. I thought of how I would have to tell her the newsā¦how it would break her heart to not have her baby sister come home and how confusing that would be for a 3 year old and how I was letting her down. all of us down.
Gardner was right next to Goldie and I the whole time that day in his bed fighting for his life and I never once even went over there and even looked at him, I'll never forgive myself for that.
Bathing her and dressing her only to know that I was never bringing her home and was going to have to leave her there so she could literally go be put into a fridge is truly hard to wrap your mind around. for 10 days my baby sat in a fridge until she made her way home in a little white box to be buried. These true realities haunt me. My husband and even my children dug a hole as deep as we could and there she was laid under the big oak tree. she lays surrounded by a beautiful garden filled with strawberries, flowers of all kinds, banana and avocado trees and right next to the swing my other children play on every day. Does she hear their laughter? does she know that we all miss her so much? That we will never be the same? that we make sure to include her in everything we do? or is she truly just simply dead.
It seems like every time I go outside or look out the window now I see a yellow butterfly, is that her? or is that just me reading into things because I'm so broken inside.
it all happened so fast.
the birth the death the funeral the NICU bringing Gardner home. now he is turning 1 and she never will.
sometimes I wish I was still laying in that hospital bed, but can you believe that?
I think to myself all the time what I could've done differently or why it is that she got sick but Gardner and I didn't. why did she have to die? why wasnāt it me? it would be so much better if it would have been me.Your children are not supposed to die before you, itās unnatural. I would give my life 1 million times over for my children.. I just want them to live and have a good life and prosper. Having to live out my days without one of them is excruciating ..it's not normal. It's a nightmare!!!
the last few weeks I have felt myself relive and refeel the trauma of all this. My body has literally been having tantum kicks and my uterus is cramping everydayā¦I've been quietly singing happy birthday to myself and every time it gets to the part where I say her name I burst into tearsā¦it's bringing me so much anxiety to think of the day that we have to sing happy birthday to Gardner and she's not here to hear it tooā¦
it just is what it is guysā¦ life happens. awful horrible things happen.. and then God works.. he heals. he repairs. he begs for us to look to him and to grab his hand. I do not believe this happen to my family and I because of God I believe it happen because my water broke at 17 weeks. Then for some crazy reason I stayed pregnant for two and a half more months and was blessed enough to at least meet my twins and I didnt get what I wanted in the end, Goldie got the infection.. not me..which was the biggest risk for me, us. but I do trust that God will make good of it and it some ways he already has.
I wanted to avoid death, the NICU, getting an infection and going into the hospital for a long time if at all but there is no denying that without facing some of these tragic circumstances I would not have seen the world and God in the way I do now. I would not have formed the new relationships and friendships that TO THIS DAY I still haveā¦ to me that is God making good out of my pain. He gave me Gardner and our relationship is so special and one of a kind. He gave me laughter in the weeks I laid in that hospital bed because of the nurses and tects that he brought into my life. He showed me that even in a place I donāt wanna be, I can find joy.
I have to let him have this pain or it will take me with it.
I am not very hopeful these days.. but I still have hope..
I donāt sing with the same fearlessness..but I still sing
I smile on the outside even when I feel awful on the inside.
when I laugh, I feel guilty.
when I hold Gardner sometimes Iāll close my eyes and pretend it is her, I hate myself for that but itās true.
he deserves so much more than me.
his smile is the most contagious brightness of love I have ever seen.
he is such a miracle to this planet and such a warm hug and answered prayer to my broken and chipped being..
the truth is guys. your heart can LIE to you.
but your soul never does.
I did everything in my power for my twins but life happened and things even the doctors couldnāt explain happened and thatās just something I have to except.
sometimes you donāt get answered prayers or answers at all.
one thing is for sure I am not afraid to die anymore..
if my baby can die so can I
one thing is certain that all I can hope for is that God will bring us together again.
the only thing in this life you can take with you after death is your children.
I have to believe in heaven I have to believe she will be waiting for me when itās my time to go because it is literally the only thing that gives me hope and the strength to live on without her.
for her I want to enjoy the rest of my days the best I can I want to be a good mother and be happy and healthy and take care of myself. I want to be worthy of my life and children but this last year I have felt like such a failure.
coming home from the hospital was so strange.
the sun hurt my eyes and my home smelled unfamiliar.
itās just the last month or so Iāve started o find my love for cooking and singing again..
Iām so on edge always snapping at people I donāt recognise myself anymore.
I donāt even know what I like really, what my favorite color is..
what I want to do with my life anymore besides being a mother and wife.
but maybe thats all I really wanna be and thats ok I think.
Iām always feeling like itās not enough for some reasonā¦but maybe thatās just the enemy in my head. Maybe I already am other things besides a mother I just need to find them againā¦
Clarabella asks me if maybe one day we could have another sister that can grow up here with her while Goldie grows up in heaven.
I canāt even type that right now without crying so hardā¦ sure the thought has crossed my mind too but the other thought that comes along with it is that nothing and no one could ever replace my Goldieā¦
If the time came and I was blessed with another daughter I would wonder why I got her but not Goldie..
Thereās just so many things that are beyond my understanding now and forever so I have to not lean on mine, only Gods.
It is the reality of my mama heart now.. I will always be short one..really short 3ā¦
a lot of people say āI canāt imagineā
'āI canāt imagine how you must feelā
'āI canāt imagine what you are going throughā
as though it is a comforting statement.
it isnāt.
youāre right.. you canāt..
and I truly hope you never do.
when you say āmy angel babyā to describe your living child
some of us really actually do have angel babies.
xo