Must Be Death On The Brain

So, not to be miss emo but it was father’s day this month and I do my best to stay in the sound of music of positivity but I am a total in my feelings kinda chick since birth. I get in these super low moods and it takes a few days to snap back. Music has always been my anchor.

Father’s day is such a bust deep down in my soul. I have honestly never really celebrated it because my dad wasn’t around. He was given a 10 year sentence when I was only 1 years old and it is something that has haunted me and I am sure him even more our whole lives.

He was such a light in this world, yeah he died.

Freaking SO UNFAIR if you ask me.

My biggest regret with my dad is not reaching out to him more. I was always so sure that he was the parent and it was his job but the day I looked down at my phone and saw my Aunt Stephanie calling me at such a random time my heart dropped and I looked over to my fiance and said my dad is dead….she’s calling me to tell me my dad is dead… I could feel it in my blood and bones…. I think we are connected to our parents like that. They made us after all.

I didn’t want to answer yall… all my stupid grudges and ways to help myself cope the missing pieces of him fell to nothing and I wanted one more chance with him.

I remember laying by the hospital bed just scanning every little detail of his body, his tattoos, his smell, the feel of his hands on mine. I begged God to wake him up I wanted him to know I showed up and I would try so much harder and be a better daughter because I KNOW he adored me he just had so many demons and I didnt. I really didn’t. I have always been strong enough to overcome more than my mom and dad and I should have recognized that then and given him a break and yes of course set boundaries for myself but also just been there and maybe my regrets wouldn’t be so heavy now, maybe we would have created more memories together.

Leaving that hospital knowing he was gone forever was the most heartbreaking experience of my life.

I was so pissed off…..chipped.

I have never heard anyone say one negative thing about my dad, even my mother. She was always reassuring his love for me and how he was a wonderful dancer, how he had the best laugh and his love for animals like myself. I have always respected her so much for that too. Only he and she know the in’s and out’s of their relationship but she always spoke so well about him and created this wonderful man in my thoughts and I hope he knew that.

The years that were stolen from my dad and I that would have allowed us to know each other better is something I don’t see myself ever getting over. I felt like God had not just let me down but he disappointed me… can you believe that? like who do I think I am?

I came home and I searched for days…….weeks! for anything my dad wrote me while in prison or a picture of us because I realized I literally had nothing of his and for some reason I was clinging to that. I needed something to look at, feel, snuggle with because it hurt to much to just cry with empty hands.

I almost gave up and just when I was down to the last box, cliche I know, I came across a letter he wrote me.

“my angel, I’ve been unable to contact you and I am so sad without your voice, your humor, your love, all the wonderful things you bring to my life. This world knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. My love for you lasts forever and remains pure above all. If I have made you mad or done something wrong please forgive me. The fear of losing you consumes me daily. Remember my love, hold tight to what is eternal and allow the things of this world to come and go. see ya soon angel!”

YALLLLLLLLL.

If that ain’t Jesus speaking through my dads letter then I don’t freaking know WHAT IS!!

I don’t ever remember reading this letter or even having it! im serious! It was completely new to me I truly did not know it existed.

The letter is everything God wanted to say to me and He gave me all the answers that night. He loves me so much that even in all my sin he would show me himself so kindly even after I would dare tell him he disappointed me in not letting my dad live another day.

The part where it says “forgive me the fear of losing you consumes me daily” that is HIS love. He values my choice to love him so greatly. He freaks out with joy knowing I choose him!

The part where it says “My love for you lasts forever and remains pure above all” I mean COME ON!! JESUS!

My dad dying that night had nothing to do with God and everything to do with this world and what it does to us, what we do to ourselves without even knowing.

That letter that night was from both my fathers and it was found at the complete perfect moment in time and the words linger in my mind daily and bring me so much PEACE. God is good like that. nothing else can bring you peace but Him, im sure of it.

So I will hold tight to My fathers promises that He works ALL THINGS for GOOD and I will remember my dads beautiful words that found me that night and how funny, loving, caring, and goofy he was and that will live on through me and my kids, his grandchildren.

I will walk by the letter in the hallway daily and be reminded what saved my life…..

I will cherish the time I have left and I will not let death be on the brain because death is not final.

Death has been DEFEATED.

xO.