blood isn't thicker than water. LOVE is thicker than blood.

it finally happen..

you see my son who is also my first cousin because my mother is his father’s sister was adopted by my husband and I in December 2019

so you see it finally happen….

His birth mother found me.

ive met her a few times before

even when she had my soon to be baby in her tummy

so you see She found me

she found my number and she straight BLEW up my phone and when I did not answer her calls or texts she then left voicemails.

After the first few calls I blocked her because I thought it would be best.

she likes to get drunk and she gets mean and so on but I don’t like to talk about her badly or tell much about the story when she is concerned because regardless whether she deserves it or not I pray for her and I truly do hurt for her….i can’t imagine having my child taken from me…..

but the fact is she isnt mentally well and I have to keep my distance for now…

I did not know that someone who is blocked could still leave messages on your voicemail but they can and there is a special little section for them.

it was the anniversary of my dad’s death…it was a butthole day to begin with simply because of that reminder but my husband and I weren’t really happy with each other either and I knew he had forgotten what day it was….

I didn’t really care because I don’t expect him to remember that I guess..

I don’t like to harp on the sadness of the day my dad died..I try and just pray a lot and sing on that day and stay in a positive mindset so i don’t fall off my course of “keep going juju”

i got the kids both down for a nap that day which is rare so I turned to my back and fell into the bed as if it was the most trusting of friends hands… it was like the pillows were reaching for me and begging me to dive in.

I got to looking at my phone and i had a message from grandma of course (joshua’s mothers mother aka my best friend) and I came across that special like section for blocked messages.

what do you know…

there they are

two voicemails

from her

jacks birth mother

ready to crash my happy little world in an instant.

I told myself not to listen but honestly wouldn’t you?

“i want my son back now, you stole him from me and I will get him back. I am his mother, NOT YOU. you will never be his mother”

I mean I literally have a freaking RECORDING of the mother of MY SON

MY everything.

MY first child.

MY greatest joy

telling me…

I am NOT HIS MOTHER.

I can’t explain it in words really I don’t even know how to explain it in my own head but it’s the worst thing i’ve ever felt.

it hurts

from the lips of his mother..

the one i am replacing…

its like in that one sentence ..she killed me.

truthfully in reality….i am not his mother….and for the last year I forgot that….

I see him just as I do Clarabella Jean

just as if I carried him inside myself before he came into this world

and then out of nowhere im slapped in the face with the realization that one day I’ll have to break the news to him.

lately, when everything is going smooth and Jack looks up at me and smiles or laughs or hugs me or kisses me or tells me he loves me I hear that voicemail in my head….

I haven’t written in a long time because I have not wanted to share my raw feelings.

I have been embarrassed by his voicemail

and I have never felt so alone.

to top it off I miss my mother.

I’m not going into details because I just don’t want to and frankly baby i don’t got the time… but I miss my mother.

when you have a baby for the first time it is life changing.

adopting my son was life changing but having a newborn baby is one of the hardest things i’ve done i think.

you need your mother.

she’s suppose to come over and hold the baby and read jack a book while you nap or shower or make dinner I don’t know but I do know when Clarabella or Jack’s wife gives birth i’m gonna be ALLLLLLL UP in their business.

she is the one I call when im mad sad or glad.

she is the one I laugh cry and vent with.

and she has now become a stranger.

there is so much to be said and there is so much i needed all this time….

I am actually not that strong.

you know they say to check in on the ones you think are strongest because most cases are they are the ones hurting the most.

i don’t wanna get too emo on yall but I think I had a baby at the worst and best time…….

I finally after 4 months of being a new mom (to not only my son a 4 year old but my daughter a newborn) got comfortable going to the store and certain places again with the kids and then covid happens.

the word isolation became my middle name and sanitizer became my last.

Juju isolation sanitizing sapp.

the amount of ocd and anxiety I have experienced the last 9 months is not cute.

I didn’t even know that postpartum ocd/anxiety was a thing until I watched another mom I follow on instagram come out about it and share her feelings and story.

I thought to myself oh my god that is me I feel JUST like this and I broke down because I had been feeling so alone and like a loser for so many months and I did not know who I could confess these horrible feelings and emotions to without someone thinking i’m legit C R A Z Y P A N T S.

i also just felt like a brat.

I mean i have these beautiful kids and beautiful house and life and husband and don’t have to work a job on top of it and here I am MISERABLE…..silently….

I went to my doctor and i poured my heart out but she didn’t really listen and she just wanted to put me on depression medicine and I really didn’t want that.

I was not and am not depressed.

I wake up everyday happy and have energy and want to be a good mother.

i love my life.

i love my family and I get through my days it seems but my chest feels like it’s going to explode any second and the kitchen MUST BE SPOTLESS and the laundry all has to be done and if jack drops one more chicken nugget on the floor I just cleaned i am going to lose it and if clarabella jean doesn’t just stop crying i am going to run away.

i have never needed my mother more.

I have felt so alone.

i keep hearing that voicemail.

YOU ARE NOT HIS MOTHER!!!

it’s been months since i’ve sang.

since i’ve belted my soul to the sky.

I use to write songs all the time… they would flow out of me as easy as the sink gives you a drink.

the lords comfort always finds me in a song.

he knows me so well.

he knows I will listen when it comes to music.

he made me that way.

i am doing the best i can.

my mother did the best she can

jacks birth mother wants to do the best she can

in all my pain

in all i fear ahead for my son and I

i choose to sing.

so loudly

to my king.

he hears not only my cry but he hears my mothers, jacks, and his mothers.

you see God has this funny way of not only changing or healing just one BUT changing many all together.

i mean could you imagine a day we are all in a room together, laughing, and hugging?

forgiving one another for whatever we believe the other has done to us?

Only God could make something like that happen

she can leave a thousand voicemails

she can say the meanest truths

but nothing will ever change the fact that HE IS MY SON

He has enough room in his heart for both of us.

one thing my mother taught me is the ability to love someone even when they dont deserve it….when you should let them go, give up….you hold on just a little longer.

we all as mothers are given little to nothing to work with yet we make miracles happen…

some mothers fail and some succeed

some even get second chances…… if they are lucky.

xo