thoughts all over the place on a Monday

i have been home avoiding reality for months……

avoiding blogging and writing…

not only have i been avoiding it i have literally not had time to do it

today I didn’t even eat till after noon and I didn’t wear pants til about 2pm..

motherhood is AGING ME.

like bad.

I look old and worn out hahahhaha but really…..thank you God for avocado eye cream..

i have been staying home alone without my husband all summer on and off but mostly off.

me and the kids are set in our new routine for the most part and I love them i do, i adore them they are my children BUT yes there is a but because it isn’t the same without Joshua around…

This weekend we went on a short beach trip with his family yet being surrounded by people and lucky to be loved by some in between the cracks.. I still felt just as alone as i do at home ..

i’m in my head too much probably..

when we were there another person I love died.

and you know i haven’t even processed my Papi yet….

i have so much on my mind

life is so short.

ugghhhhhhhhhhh.

I JUST MISS MY HUSBAND but please shhh dont tell him he is obsessed with me enough

I need to cherish my Joshua more than ever with him working out of town.

i mean i know this sounds so over the top ridiculous to complain about but i have been sleeping next to this man for over a decade.

i think it was senior year of high school for me and junior year for him but he lived with me.

my mimi didn’t know it but it was like a year we kept this up..

he would pack up and say his goodbyes only to drive down the road and park at this other house and walk back to my house to the back sliding screen door and i would sneak him in..

looking back now i dont feel too bad because we are married with 2 kids and have this beautiful life but the night my mimi came down stairs to sleep with me because a roach was in her bed was a night i will never forget……

i thought joshua and i were going to crap ourselves in harmony…..

i stuffed him under my bed in pure panic and he had to sleep there ALL night under me and my grandmother til dawn hahahahaha i put my hand down under the bed and touched his and felt so bad but also just knew he had to deal with it or our cover was BLOWN.

we been through the slime baby hahah

so yes sleeping without him is so hard…

He is the one thing we all look forward to at the end of each day.

we all get settled around 5 to the front porch and we hear him at the gate…he drives up… we all get so excited to greet him and love on him… it’s the best feeling in the world.. we truly can’t wait to see him and when a day goes by that he doesn’t come home to us it is completely depressing.. we are missing a piece to our puzzle. he left tonight again for the week and I cried the whole way home my son said “mama he is gonna be okay mama we need to go to taco bell mama” hahhah

ughhh

then this virus because ughhhh this virus and EVERYTHING else just ugh…..the world sucks right now i wanna go back to 2002 or something….. i feel like life was good back then like it wasn’t perfect but i didn’t think I was gonna die if i sneezed.

but with all that i am a new mother too …. with two perfect babes who both have such large difficult testing loving one of a kind differences this season of motherhood for me.

after giving birth to my daughter i am reborn… yes i am …sorry but after you give birth for the first time honey you are reborn. whatever your story you become someone else… I have watched it in my best friends who did it before me and it is no joke giving life and healing from that change your body experiences and keeping them fed and alive and all you get to do is watch the time creep away as fast as lighting….

so….. throw all that new mom stuff in with the ring of fire new woman journey spices, a pinch of virus with a splash of everything else and you come out with a straight crooked cookie cocktail…

aka… me.

BUT :) yes another but

I realized today (looking at a picture of my mammy (my husbands mammy, his father’s mom kissing pappy her husband in a picture from his/her not sure but one of their 52nd birthday parties which looked like a surprise and I know it was 52 because of the numbers on the cake) when i saw that kiss and thought about the family they have created it really showed me the goal that Joshua is working so hard for..that I have been living and thinking so negatively for way too long these last few months and honestly point blank period I need more Jesus and I need to stop placing these crazy unrealistic expectations on myself as a mother…

I just really don’t know what else I could cling to right now besides Jesus. the world is pretty crappy.

nothing else is going to truly give me the peace of mind I need.

i am so cursed by my own thoughts

i realized on the family vacation too that the pain of not having my parents growing up has made me now in a time of life when I am the mother that i am missing out on that daily bliss because of the past and present of what they can’t… what they didn’t…what they never will… give me…

when i am around Joshua’s family I am always letting my mind go to a place of pushing me in a corner of isolation

i am only here because i am married to him

i am not blood.

they love the kids i gave joshua

they love joshua

they love the kids

i am not worthy to even be here

no one cares if im here or not

a family unit has always been my biggest desire and i have it now with Joshua so why do i go to the place of wishing my mom and dad were there and that because they were not there and aren’t here now i am somehow not treasured by others or my kids or even him…

i am i am i am i am

I saw those words So much up there in that last paragraph… i mean hello jesus. I am.i am. he is the… I am..

he hears me.

he loves me.

ill be ok.

i think.

so yes my family before my own with Joshua is split up, or dead, broken, chipped, always searching…

but still I love them so much…

I just want peace

i want them to have peace

for addiction to be washed away

for relationships to thrive

for forgiveness to win

for hearts to truly be set free

so yeah when i saw that picture of mammy kissing pappy the light finally broke through the darkness that has been hovering over me….

mammy has been home more than months…

mammy has been without the same pappy she once knew… for years.

she is always smiling.

always laughing,

always GIVING,

always hugging us ALL.

in the mist she is glowing

she doesn’t let anything get her spirit down

her voice always still has that sweetness in it no matter what

she is everything i long to be in a woman of God

more than just positive she is radiant

she’s peaceful..

I truly didn’t know a person could be so sweet..

i said to my son ‘“so what’s up with you, what you thinking”

he said “well i’m thinking im not happy”

i said “wait why”

he said “well i just need to snuggle you”

so i dropped everything I was doing and I snuggled him and we watched a movie and I realized in that moment it was exactly what we both needed.

God help me.

I’m doing the best I can.

all mamas do.

my happy this month came from my son who lifted his butt up and straight farted like it was NOTHING. and i mean nothing. like a lil scratch on his nose honey.. he could literally care less and goes right back to living life and i see now i am NOT living life.

I need to fart more and not care!!

but the baby is crying…..so ugh yeah gotta go,

brb

happy birthday in heaven daddy

xoxo

Juju