ain't no sunshine without justice

Growing up I was loved and taken care of by two completely different men at two completely different times in my life.

Lets just call them Big Red & Glasses.

~In middle school I was being raised by my grandmother because my mother was in prison and my father was not around.

At the time I was living with a secret, a secret I didn’t even know was a secret.

I was 15 years old sitting in Mrs.Dodds math class and a video came on for all of the school to see.

Glasses was on the screen talking about sexual harrasment and what it means, what to do when you feel you have been a victim of it, and how to speak up for yourself.

My secret was that when I was 5 years old, 10 years old, and 12 years old I was a victim of that very thing.

It didn’t hit me until that moment all at once what I had been through..

Maybe it was because I locked away the memories so deeply for so many years or the fact that I was so young and innocent to sex still. I dont think I fully understood that I was taken advantage of or that I was not to blame… of course when it was happening it felt wrong and I didnt like it but I just never told anyone…I didnt think it would matter honestly…or that anyone would believe me.

I ran out of the room to the hall and felt my heart exploding through my ears…

From my realization came a revolution inside my soul.

through the next few year i spoke my truth and stopped allowing my circumstances and the people that hurt me all those times to make me a victim any longer.

Glasses has been in my life ever since middle school.

Checking in on me.

loving me.

supporting me.

showing up to my graduation.

listening.

He was our schools resource officer and today is one of the greatest men in my life..a father I never had…a friend I can count on always, a cop that stops the bad cops and the Godfather of my children. I actually never told him that but if he reads this hopefully he will say yes ;)

A white man

A man in uniform.

A man of God.

A man.

~Big Red came into my life because he was one of my mother’s long time friends.

I was so broken in high school…

i was carrying around a huge backpack filled with abuse, neglect, fear, abandoment, and shame.

I got caught up in drinking and smoking weed early. 7th grade actually.

then came the cocaine. mushrooms. molly. pain killers….yeah.. the works.

The things I’ve seen and done in middle school and high school make me scared to think of my children doing so young….

I honestly don’t know how I made it out of my childhood sometimes..

I look back now and I see i truly was alone a lot.

Turning to people and substances to relieve my broken spirit instead of God.

I didn’t have anyone worried about my attendance at school, my homework being done or where I was on the weekends. I was my own parent it seemed most of the time.

My grandmother and I were not getting along, my mom was in prison again, and my father was still no where to be found.

So I decided to leave my grandmas house and move in with Big Red.

He only lived a few streets down from my grandmother so it didn’t seem like this huge change to me considering i had moved numerous times before this but at the time i really felt like i had nowhere else to go.

Big Red sold drugs….he had for as long as I knew him.

I never saw people at the house he always would meet them.

I remember one time he had to make a stop on our way home.

We met this middle aged white man in a buisness suit behind a fancy hotel on Monroe street and it was the only time I ever saw him sell them.

I’m sure most people wouldn’t agree with some of his decisions but he was there for me and I dont care what you think.

He clothed me, fed me and loved me at a time in my life that my own flesh and blood did not.

He made sure I never had to worry.

the biggest anxiety i had growing up was money.

How will I pay for the classroom fees, lunch, a yearbook this year, doing things with my friends, a car, a dress for the dance.

He took care of it all.

never wanting anything in return.

I remember coming home so many nights lost and broken and he would have popeyes or donuts waiting for me on the counter with some lunch money and a note saying “stay strong boo”.

he knew this living situation wasn’t ideal for me…

that i missed my mother.. my siblings..

Til this day he never forgets my birthday.

I often wonder if he has any idea how strong my love is for him.

A black man

A man in the streets.

A man of God.

A man.

I watched the video.

I told myself I wouldnt. I told myself i couldnt. too painful.

but I cant ignore it. I cant lock it away and not address it.

I cant act like for me and my life and my circumstances that this isnt ironic when it comes to the two men I love in this world the most.

What if george floyd was my Big Red.

a criminal to some.

a hero to me.

even with a record he is loved.

even with his record and bad decisions he didnt deserve what happen to him.

To think people of this world wouldn’t respect my Glasses and his daily sacrifice to serve and protect hurts…

When it comes to the police we cannot have “a few bad apples”

but you see it’s much deeper than one man’s life being murdered by a cop.

it is lifetimes of life after life being murdered and hung, thrown into prison for small crimes, oppressed, looked at less every single day of their lives.

I have had a unique childhood that has allowed me to see both of these men. to be loved by both men, taught by both men and i love BOTH men the same but that doesn’t hide the truth which is one is favored more in society and one is given much more opportunity than the other…

the system must be reconstructed.

the people have the power.

we have the power.

we are the people.

all lives will matter when black lives matter.

we have been living under laws for decades that we are not even fully aware of the meaning..

we have been watching the videos, sharing them, crying over them, and then moving on.

NOT anymore.

when I look at my children that is what shakes me the most.

I think of a young mother like myself…a young black mother living in this world.

how she must feel to have a perfect 5 year old son like i do but she has to live with such fear for his future.

I stand for her.

I fight for her.

I bring up uncomfortable conversation for her because she shouldn’t have that fear.

She shouldn’t give life just to have it taken away in 9 minutes from someone kneeling on her son’s neck.

get uncomfortable

put your fists up

the rain brings the wisdom.

the storm brings the rainbow.

change must come.

CHANGE IS COMING.

aint no sunshine without JUSTICE