my pocket full of sunshine

it hurts.

it hurts to think about her

to look at her pictures

to smell her baby hat that she wore for less than a day that i keep in the pocket of my purse

her smell has long faded from the hat

but i still smell it everyday and imagine it

i smell it so she knows i still think of her everyday

that i haven’t forgotten her sweet perfect nose..

little hands and feet that i only got to touch once..

eyes that i never got to see looking back at me

a smile that will never be

a laugh that i’m sure is just as dramatic as her big sisters

and a life with us that will never be

let’s be honest i can smell the hat, make tons of jewelry with her name on it, tattoo her name on my wrist but she’s never coming back

it seems so unfair that God made the flowers and weeds so resilient that nothing can keep them from growing back after they die but he didn’t do that for us….for our dead children

i laid in a bed for 7 weeks and listened and watched the monitor for my babies heart beats twice a day

and then within a flash I was watching her heartbeat get lower and lower and then sounds stopped and so did her heart.

i’ve never felt a pain like this… so deep.

filled with anxiety every morning that this is my new reality…

the crippling gut wrenching truth that my baby girl is dead.

i’ve asked God so many times the last 4 months why he would bless me with two babies just to leave me with one.

my mind never stops racing.. thinking of that room… the sailboat wallpaper border along the 4 walls…

the sound of the machines..

the smells.

the fear I had every single day going back their after she left me.

going back to the same room my baby died in my arms in

the very next day they had another baby in her place.

the world doesn’t stop for anyone…not even my baby.

but my world. it has stopped.

i fear i will never be the same.

laugh as hard. smile as big.

and its okay….its just the way it is now. i mean i have no choice but to be smacked in the face with this..

i think about how hard it will be to one day not be with my other children either..

when it’s my time and I have to go alone.

came in alone….go out alone.

why are relationships with each other so important to God but he makes us come in and go out alone?

yeah yeah he is with me but i have found lately that that isnt enough for me.. doesn’t comfort me

i want my children too.

7 beautiful children

he knows me

he knows my heart

he knows how i am

he made me

why did he make me like this?

i don’t want to be away from my children ..from josh… i just wish we could be together forever and maybe we will but the anxiety of not truly knowing haunts me and sometimes it feels like God’s way is cruel.

i have faith but i am also human… i am also a mother.

i cry everyday for my daughter but i also cry for the fact that who I once was is dead too.

the sky is not as bright..

watching my children play no longer brings me gratitude it brings me knots in my stomach because Goldie is missing.

here lies the broken hearted mother.

will my children recognize that after she died, i died too?

3 big boxes of her clothes sit in my closet because i don’t have the strength to give them to anyone else

a small hope that maybe one day God will give us another daughter and she will fill the dresses and run the hallway with clarabella jean and they will swing together at Goldies Grave…

but even that sweet little thought makes me angry and i snap back to my senses because the truth is ill probably never be able to be pregnant again..

and who said I even wanted to.

i just want it to be my choice… not something that is also taken from me.

i felt so done after I knew I was having twins..

it was the perfect ending to my story and in an instant my story was burned to the ground and my happy ending was crushed into the earth with the worms and the trees roots.

it is as though i finally bloomed only for someone to come along and pick me

it is as though i finally broke free of my cocoon and just as i was to fly away and use my wings for the first time the wind blew too hard and the rain came too quick and my wings broke off..

i don’t want to speak of encouragement for others right now

i don’t want to be an example

i don’t want to tiptoe around my rath for the sake of others tinder feelings.

i am passed the care of caring

sometimes I think that the meaning of life… is just nothing.

all these tasteless and dry thoughts are not true.

i know this deep down.

but i still i think them

why didn’t God give me an off switch for my brain.

i want to sleep and not have a nightmare.

i want to do anything remotely normal and not think of her

everything makes me think of her

i didn’t allow myself to feel for 11 weeks..

I held in all my feeling for the sake of my children and my other family…

and once i got home and the dust settled

i snapped.

i punched Goldies picture frame in the hallway

i screamed has hard as i could

i laid at her grave and cried for her.

my body felt like rubber.

how can i go on without what is suppose to be mine.

i hate myself for being so sad when i have Gardner.

he is so perfect so sweet so beautiful

I feed him from my breast and i just cry for her …

i sing to him and just watch him watch me and it fills me with such sadness but yet so much joy.

i am in the middle of complete heart break and joy

God please don’t let him feel my heart break.

please don’t let me mess him up…them all up…

i have to pick myself back up…

everyone walks on eggshells around me

i can feel it

people have stopped saying them and just say He

when was He born

How much does he weigh now?

everytime its asked of me…it stings.

God…don’t give up on me

hold tight to my crazy mind and lead me where i should be

remind me of the faithfulness you have shown me when I deserve nothing from you.

the rainbow that clarabella jean was to us after losing two babies back to back

how for 2 long years I begged for jack elliott to not be taken from me and you made him our son.

how you blessed us with murphy lew and finally gave me a birth I had prepared and longed for

how you blessed us with twins

how you will bless me again and again

how you will make joy out of my pain God.

is she with you?

show me

confirm that thought in my mind. let me be at peace with it. let me rest. i am so so tired Lord.

don’t leave my side not even for a second…

XOXO