blessed & stressed

we all know that saying! “too blessed to be stressed”

but im sorry Im here to bust ya bubble that crap is not true.

You can 100 percent be soooo blessed and still be very much STRESSED.

i stopped yesterday and just thought to myself “what am I doing, is this really what my existence has come to?'“

constantly obsessing over the dishes being done, the laundry in order, jacks clothes laid out perfectly for the morning, clarabella needs a bow with her outfit right? no, wait…. yes, she needs it people will think she’s a boy….omg we are going to target who cares….omg let me go back and get the bow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am freaking exhausted not only physically but mentally and emotionally.

I need to and must be kinder to myself.

When 8 o’clock comes around I CHECK OUT.

I hand the kids to my husband, I shut my bedroom door, turn the shower on as hot as it will go and I just let the the rain fall and cry.

My papi is gone.

my dad isnt here to meet my kids.

my mom isn’t well.

i yelled at jack for dropping a damn blueberry on the ground

I feel ugly

i can’t remember the last time I kissed my husband how we did in high school

i wish i could spend more time with my dogs

i want a pedicure

i want a job

because I want my own money

not my husbands

I want to run away

I have no one

im weak

i’m not enough

i suck

once the water washes me clean I imagine all those things leaving me and whirling to the bottom of the tub to never come back to haunt me again…besides the pedicure though I REALLY need that one ;)

I’m a month postpartum, in my 4th trimester they say…a lot of my feelings are normal.

it takes your body 40 weeks to build up all these hormones and then in an instant they come crashing down..

My daughter was born and I was reborn.

I am nothing of who I was before.

Even after everything with Jack and changing so much so fast through his adoption journey I Still had so much to learn as a mother…as a woman..

I started to look at my children as blessing yes but I saw my sacrifices first.

With Jack it was my time, my social life, my job, school, and the simple freedoms I never knew were so sweet like using the bathroom alone.

With Bella it was my body, Beer, my boobs, my fav fringe boots cause my feet were so swollen LOL and Fear of the unknown.

and then I would look at my husband like “and what in the hell are you giving up buddy”

I can’t believe I would admit this to yall but I pride myself on being transparent….. even in the hard times.

It took me a minute but it finally hit me..

MY SACRIFICES????? my SAcriiiFiiicessss????????

really juju?

how about The sacrifices God made for YOU miss thang…..

HE DIED FOR YOU.

I mean I want to HIDE my face while typing this because I am such a BRAT

Here i am praying for Jack be our son all these years crying over miscarriages and finally meeting our daughter and I have the audacity to list my sacrifices for them? and then be a jerk to my husband who hasn’t let one day go by without asking me “how can I help”…..wow…..

I wondered why my moms dont check in on me more…don’t they know how hard this is? this mom thing… dont they remember feeling this way? am I crazy?

why did no one tell me I would be wearing a diaper for a month after birth??????

BUT AGAIN JUJU you wonder why they are not checking in on you but

have YOU checked in with HIM?

I’m sure he is wondering where you have been

I miss singing

I miss worship.

I miss Jesus.

The Lord has the most beautiful way to find you even in your most selfish moments and he just holds you so tight.

no judgment.

he doesn’t look at you and think “I sacrificed so much for her”

he only sees the child he loves

purely.

HE knows you’re human and hurting and waits so patiently with his hand out hoping you grab hold of him

When you choose to love the Lord you literally sacrifice NOTHING and gain EVERYTHING.

He is so understanding.

he is so good

just as sure as I am that the sky is blue I am sure that Jesus loves us.

Being a mother is so hard.. we know this, he knows this. being a human is hard.

But the stretch marks fade, the stitches heal, your baby starts walking before you know it, your son is off to college and so much about life changes daily but what will always stay the same is the Lord’s love for you.

so yes I am stressed. I miss people. I cry in the shower sometimes. I even feel weak some days but before I say amen and shut my eyes to dream I know with the most confidence in this world that I am loved by my Father and He is good and he loving and he does all things for my happiness and future.

I can drift off to sleep with that joyful feeling and forget that the dishes are not done

that jacks socks don’t match and that clarabella might be mistaken as a Boy at target by some old lady who really means no harm.

God is Love no matter what you do.

xoxo