he lays next to one cat, one duck, in between two avocado trees, under the oak tree, by the lake….

my whole life i have been pretty good at having confidence.

I never stood in the mirror looking at myself with wishes of looking different

or nitpicking my body parts.

I always found myself to be….enough.. I mean it could be worse right?

let see…i mean i have nice hair. nice teeth. pretty eyes. olive skin. im short and i have pimples but make up and wedges help that out if needed…

im pretty funny…

i think and i hope i’m kind.

i give.

im photogenic.

i can sing.

im creative.

i have anxiety.

i lose my temper.

i have bad days.

but I am enough.

well today, for the first time in 29 years i feel like the biggest piece of shit to walk the planet.

we woke up and everyone was pretty somber….

of course not clarabella the 1 year old she played the flute all morning in complete happiness

we got one of the 5 dogs out of the fence.

snuggled him..loved on him…told him we were sorry..let him eat a big bowl of cat food one last time and said our goodbyes….

even my husband was crying and i’ve know him 10 years and seen him cry 3 times…

once when our favorite cat was killed, once in high school when i dumped him and today.

i tried to keep it together for my son Jack but the snot was coming…

so then all three of us just stand there crying looking at the dog and clarabella is behind us just standing there watching us…eating a cheese stick…again in complete happiness.

when Joshua gets back he and Jack dig a hole between the avocado trees..

Joshua says they will grow bigger and more fruitful than our expectations because of Snow…

i cry even harder…

Jack says “mama i know…but it’s ok we have to bury him.. he is gonna be happy in heaven mama..he is gonna see papi and papi will pet him all day”

uhhhh that sweet loving son of mine! i don’t know where he came from but he is a special kind of emotional little dude yall…

his wife will be very blessed one day when she needs comfort. lol.

Snow is wrapped in a quilt..

In the hole he goes and we cover him up with dirt….

we mark his resting place with a white wooden cross.

he lays next to one cat, one duck, in between two avocado trees, under the oak tree, by the lake….

we cry so hard…

i look over and there’s clarabella….standing behind us…watching us…eating peanut butter puffs…

again…complete happiness…

weirdly enough it is a beautiful day even though inside we feel disgusting…

i wont get into the details of why Snow had to go but it’s one of the hardest things we have ever done…

i mean he didn’t have a chance since day one..

left outside to die as a puppy, starving.. my friend sterling took him and we meet her to get him because we decided to help her out and keep him a few days before we could think of what to do next.

we already had 2 dogs and a cat and just moved into our new home so we definitely didn’t want another animal right now and she couldn’t keep him in her apartment complex so we said we could take him a while..

the second we saw him we loved him. i mean he just had this face that was heart melting.

he was so afraid. there was no telling what he had been through.

that night I remember walking outside and finding Joshua holding him on the front porch in his arms like a newborn and rocking him in the rocking chair….

he looked up at me and said “dont tell sterling our new address she is not getting this dog back”

that night he became Snow Sapp!

my husband is a rough quiet hard working beer drinking will shoot you in the foot if you touch his family kind of man but when it comes to animals he is as soft as a bunny honey…shh.. don’t tell him i said that..

snow sapp was the biggest pain in OUR ASSES.

so much energy. so big. eats the new baseboards. eats through the new fence…always breaks out of the kennels…pees on everything…runs away…

OH but that face… ugh that sweet brown precious face…

he could do anything and It wouldn’t matter we loved him anyways….

he lived 5 years with us and it wasn’t easy or enjoyable always but we loved him so much.

we wanted to give him a good life and I’ll always feel like we failed him…

you can’t have the Sapps without june jango star snow fefe belle raja jasmine and dolly.

you cant even get our wifi. literally the password is: june jango star snow fefe belle raja jasmine dolly.

it makes me sick to even say his name…

i wish i could be as carefree as clarabella and her snacks..

I wish I could see the brighter picture like Jack.

im too pregnant for this…

yeah did I mention i’m 6 months pregnant…?

talk about emotional friends…

i used to believe in the saying “death isn’t final”

i really did. I would preach it to myself and cling so hard to it…

then my best friend and teacher Durham died in his sleep.

then my dad overdosed on drugs.

then my aunt linda decided to quit smoking after 20 plus years and had a stroke that took her body for 9 years and then finally took her soul..

then i lost 2 babies..

then My papi fell to his knees in his bedroom and left this earth..

so yeah, it’s a lie.

death is very final.

yeah maybe you rise up and go see Jesus but down here…

you are without.

miserable.

reminded by the wind what you’re missing and it’s not fair.

living is hard.

death sucks.

explaining death to your children sucks more.

so if you haven’t noticed i don’t have any inspirational conclusion to wrap up this blog post with this fine saturday.

I don’t feel like being inspirational today I FEEL LIKE being pissed off.

some of you might think…sweetie…its a dog. and if you think that. you SWEETIE ain’t my kinda people.

so happy freaking saturday folks. did I depress you yet? lol

if i could i would drink some whiskey right about now.

so if you’re reading this and you have some and don’t happen to be prego…drink some for me.

clarabella finally had enough food so shes passed out..

jacks watching a movie..

it’s so quiet in this house.

i’m gonna go outside now and sit on my swing and let the wind blow and remind me of what i’m missing.

but tomorrow… i’m gonna not be pissed off anymore.

i’m gonna be thankful..

im gonna laugh really hard and im gonna continue trucking down this long dirt road called life.

now that i think about it I will leave you with a little inspiration..

Everything may be going to hell and back in this world but as long as you have that one person to love you, to love back.. you're lucky.

xoxo