LOVELY LITTLE LADY BUGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL LOVED

we took some of my papis ashes a few weeks ago and put them in our little pond behind our home…

on quite a few occasions my son will randomly look out there and say “mama look there he is, my papi, he is free”

“mama its jesus and papi LOOK ”

“mama look papi’s so happy in heaven”

it takes everything in me not to burst into tears every single time.

i never realized it until tonight but I hold in so much pain from my papi dying.

I have had many people I love and that I was close with die but something very different happen to me this time.

maybe it was because when he died just as i was 8 months pregnant and I was scared if I felt it too hard my baby would die too… I was always so scared she would die before I got to experience her…

….maybe it’s because feeling it at all would make it real.

a part of me still tells myself he is in chicago enjoying his life…

i really just have to face the facts…

I can’t deny myself a good cry anymore.

one phone call we talked about how I wanted my own cuban azabache bead…to keep the evil away..

my noni had one on her gold necklace that she never took off and I always loved it…

he wore one as well and I just told him of my fears of being alone when joshua would leave town for work and so on…

I forgot about it to be honest and on my next birthday what do you know…

my papi sent me HIS father’s gold chain with a azabache hanging on it….

how honored i was to be given something from my papi but not only that but the fact that he loved me and trusted me enough to give me something that was his father’s.

I never took it off.

other than my wedding ring I have never been given something so special and meaningful.

I decided to leave it in our safe while we left for a family vacation after christmas to Georgia because I don’t like traveling with such important things.

from the time I got home from vacation and til about 2 weeks ago that necklace went missing…

We had someone come and do some work for us at the house one day and that’s when I noticed it not hanging in its special spot….

I’m not saying this person stole it because I had others in my home as well but it 100% was taken from me.

I don’t know when or by who but I know it’s gone forever and I will be haunted by that…..forever..

You probably won’t believe me when I tell you this but i’m sitting in my bedroom writing this and just now a freaking ladybug fell from the ceiling onto my keyboard…

THERE ARE LADYBUGS EVERYWHERE!!!!!

it started the weekend my first cousin Hannah was getting married!

it literally was years since we all had been together, yes even after the death of papi because well COVID. aka the devil…..

we went on a boat ride around the city and Hannah swore this ladybug that was on the boat with us was papi…

then the day of her wedding when she was getting married a ladybug was on the freaking window of her hotel room in the city…..THEN there was one on my uncle Tony (her father) at the actual wedding…..

Well I didn’t think too much on it honestly… i mean is that stuff really real? A lady bug? I mean really papi…

one thing about him everyone knows is he DID LOVE THE LADIES hahaha so of course his old nasty ass would come to us as a ladybug hahaha

well take it way forward now to this vacation.. the one where I didn’t bring his necklace…

I was NOT feeling good.

I was trying to keep my cool and not show it because we were with my husbands parents and siblings and I didnt want to make a fuss but I seriously couldn’t shake this nasty nauseous feeling….

Joshua said “oh it’s probably just cause we are up high by the mountains and stuff and it’s making you feel bad” like what joshua? hahahah ok bud.

well if you’re a woman and youre reading this honey you know where this is going…

as SOON as I got the thought in my head I practically grew wings and FLEW to the pregnancy test asle..

I was on the phone with my best friend who IS trying to get pregnant right now and we were laughing and cutting up about it and I said I know i’m not I just wanna be like sure sure girl….. we laughed and laughed and I legit thought it would say neg.

When I tell you I messed up and thought I had to pee but really didn’t and I mean a little sample dribble hit that stick and within SECONDS two DARK as night red lights came up……

I rebuke the devil in the name of Jesus and convinced myself I messed it up…

When we got home i took 8 more and I had a feeling the repuking wasn’t gonna work.

I wouldn’t go as far to say I was upset by this news but I felt extremely overwhelmed and shocked,

DANG BOO…didn’t you like JUST give birth??????? hahahaha

like DANG.

I kept it to myself and I started to actually feel slightly embarrassed even…

what are people gonna think?

omg 3 kids?

I am barely cutting it with the 2 and not to mention the 5 dogs bless their hearts….

Like I mean I know how this happens but like DANG BOO.

I’m walking to the mailbox….

i’m alone..

i’m thinking about a million different things at once and like slowly feel myself wanting to go down the road of a straight panic attack and I open the mailbox

AND THERE ARE LADYBUGS EVERYWHEREEEEEEEEE!!!

when i tell y’all I let out a donkey scream and cried harder than I have ever cried in my whole 29 years Im telling you i fell to my knees….

oh my goodness my papi was pulling out the big guns.

I could see his smile.

hear the excitement in his voice telling me “oh my darling this is amazing”

i literally felt him celebrating this news.

jumping up and down for me.

I have never experienced something so magical and mind blowing…

I believe it papi.

I wasn’t listening to him and he knew it.

SO he said HERE ARE THE LADYBUGS JORDAN

NOT 1. NOT 2. but 100s….I mean they were everywhere. flying around..crawling around…all over the mail… my hands… the ground… no one can tell me that wasn’t him…

i didn’t go down that road of freaking out ….i turned the corner and went down the trail to the end of this beautiful little stream of water and rocks where ladybugs were thriving and butterflies were endlessly flying in circles and birds were singing and my papi was waiting for me….

I just knew everything was going to be ok.

i sat around my house until I was 11 weeks and finally called the doctor.

I saw its little heartbeat and I instantly fell in love…

will I have enough love for 3 children? of course…

but time…ugh time is so little and precious.

im taking these next months ahead to cherish cbj and jack even more….

I just want to be even more present with them.

no more tv.

no phones.

no tablets.

no freaking out over time lost or wasted or things being clean

I WANT THE MESS

I want the loud

I want dirty clothes laughs and smiles.

eating popsicles that get everywhere and never getting sleep.

WHATEVER.

i’ll sleep when i’m dead.

I love them so much,

they are gonna be so grown before I know it.

i’m gonna be so old before i know it.

i dont care what jewelry gets stolen or what messes dont get cleaned up or what I miss out on because I dont have a babysitter.

I want my kids.

take it all.

just leave my babies alone.

i just wanna spend everyday loving them.

no time is ever wasted loving my babies

Im taking in everyday like its my last.

i’m so excited

im scared…but i’m excited.

i’m a good mother.

I want all the ladybugs.

all of them

xoxo