Rebel Heart of Doubt

Doubt is a killer.

It moves in the corners of your brain and it sets up a tent and never ever plans to leave.

The first time I found out I was pregnant I didn’t believe it. I took over 11 tests at home and they all said yes but I kept taking more waiting for JUST ONE to say No.

I mean we have it all. We love each other, we were fostering Jack, lots of land with animals with a home we own, own our cars, there’s an extra room. It’s not like it was a bad situation but for some reason from the start I had this deep underlining bad feeling.

I remember the blood came small. randomly.

My heart became broken permanently a little that day…. because I knew..

I knew what was happening but I kept hoping some light would shine through and surprise me and the baby wouldn’t be dead.

I went to the ER because it turned into more blood and then cramps and I felt so defeated.

I had to go into my OB to make sure “everything was coming out smoothly”

Can you believe someone would say that to me?

Like yeah Jackass, my dead baby is bleeding out of me just fine, thanks.

I have never walked out of a room feeling so small, so torn, so striped of my soul…

And just a few months later I went through it ALL AGAIN.

This one was even worse because my hope was so big.

I wasn’t a rookie to the steps, process and tests they would do on me but I still just prayed and begged God to let our baby live.

Joshua sat by my side and never took his eyes off of me.

The nurse said to me “I am so sorry this is happening to you, to go through it once is hard enough but to have to go through it twice”

People really are dumb sometimes LOL like was that supposed to make me feel better?

because it made me feel a million times worse.

I think that’s the hardest I’ve ever cried.

I wasn’t ashamed but I was confused.

Why would I keep getting pregnant just to have them die?

Hell on earth.

Time passed and the more that passed the more I let myself go.

In weight and lots of other ways too.

I was straight pissed off and not mad at God but myself. My body. I felt like a failure.

Now, after all that pain, after all that experience…. I have to say… I’m ok.

I have been pushed into a world that was so unknown to me but I believe we go through things in life not only to learn a lesson but to be a light for someone else in their time of struggle.

Miscarriage is hugly common and I knew nothing about it. I had no idea how many people experience it and I’m not thankful it happen to me but I am not confused anymore.

I am thankful however that I can relate with so many on a level that is so painful because like people who have been through it before helped me, I can now help others or at least help them not feel so alone.

When I look back on the timing I see things differently now.

I mean we had Jack Elliott.

I did most of all.

I quit my job, my social life, and even my marriage sometimes to give him everything I had and more.

Having a baby and being pregnant during that time when he needed me most wouldn’t have been what was best for me, him, or the baby.

Don’t get me wrong we would have managed but I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy it as much I dont think.

We got closer and closer to the court date of Jacks parents getting their rights terminated and I was letting that doubt creep in again….

It is so easy.

I thought to myself “I’m going to lose this baby too”

3 babies in one year…..

I remember praying to the Lord that it was too much for me.

I couldn’t handle it.

I could not handle losing my Jack.

I didn’t sleep, I didn’t stop praying.

Jack was born to be our son.

He grew inside another woman’s body but he is ours.

He was my personality and my love of musical theatre.

He is precise about tasks like his daddy and he is stubborn like him too!!

He has my nose and Joshua’s feet.

He laughs like his daddy and when he cries his nose scrunches up like mine when I cry and hit a high note while singing.

When that judge terminated his parents rights it was the first time in over a year I could breathe again.

It wasn’t final but it was the step into our future….our answered prayers. our Peace.

It has been over 5 months now and we have finished our adoption papers and home study and now we are waiting to hear back from them about setting a date to finalize the adoption.

He will be JACK ELLIOTT FREAKING SAPP.

Everytime he calls me mama or I hear him scream “daddy is home” it is the greatest sound in the world and I believe that even when the day comes and he finds out I am really his first cousin he won’t care. He will see us as he always has, his parents…

Im 5 months pregnant now and I dont allow the doubt to rent space in my mind anymore.

“Jesus, Jesus. You make the darkness tremble.

Jesus, Jesus. You silence fear.

Your name is a light that the shadows can’t deny. Your name cannot be overcome.

Your name is alive, forever lifted high. Your name cannot be overcome.”

Jack and I would sing this song every morning on the way to school before court even happened.

I would worship and over time he would worship too.

He would watch me and my hands raised soon became his hands raised and he would shout '‘ YOUR NAME CANNOT BE OVERCOME” with so much passion it would encourage me to worship even harder, deeper.

To worship not only in my most desperate of times but in my happiest of times as well.

To worship boldy!

To worship in the mindset that Jesus had already overcome what I feared all this time.

He made Jack our son and then he gave us a baby to grow inside my body that I had so quickly given up on.

He single handedly slapped me awake.

He made a miracle, two miracles happen right before our eyes and all this time I was up pacing the hallway in worry he already wrote our happy ending…..

All I needed to do was to let go of that doubt and grab onto him.

In your darkest hour when everything is completely at its end and you wonder if you’re all alone you must remember He is Always Faithful.

I will never understand how someone like me so broken and full of disappointment is loved so purely and effortlessly by a God so good.

He chose me to be Jacks mom and I burst into tears everytime I think about it not only because Im extra fat and pregnant and emotional right now haha!! but because his goodness is so unbelievable.

The SAPPS January 2020.

It’s about to be the biggest craziest coolest ride of our lives and even when things come up that are hard and hit us down we always will get up and we can sleep peacefully every night because we have each other and because we are LOVED.

Thank you Lord.

<3 JuJu