Dear Jelly Bean

We are days away baby girl…..

I have marked my calendar on the day the doctor says you should make your arrival into this big beautiful scary lovely world…

we still don’t know what to name you..

I want you to have a name that leaves you unique and with a piece of the women that lived life before you. The ones who are here and get to watch you grow and the ones that left us too soon….

Sadly, my Jelly Bean, I have not let myself enjoy this pregnancy like I should and I’m sorry for that…

I’ve been fearful.

Fear is STUPID and so avoidable yet it blows in as easy as the wind and its as hard to get rid of as spilled glitter….

everyday of these 9 months I have feared that your heart beat wouldn’t show up when I went in for a check up….

Your little kicks would stop….

or I would see blood when I whipped…

That something is gonna take you away…

The happiness I have felt with you living inside me and watching your brother kiss my belly and light up when I say ‘little sister’ is unexplainable…..

Me and daddy have prayed for you and cried for you more than you can imagine….

The two that came before you left us lost and quenched.

You are so loved.

The first time I saw your face my heart fell out of my chest to a place of pure joy..

I think you have my nose and lips and honey those are one of my best features besides my eyes so YOURE WELCOME ;)

Daddy and I set up your room and brother helped too. He calls you “HIS baby” and he means it!

You are certainly blessed to have us as parents but your greatest blessing is your big brother Jack.

He will be around when mommy and daddy aren’t one day and he is your best friend and protector.

He has prayed for you and waited for you just like us if not more and he will never let you down.

He is the kindest most loving boy in this world and has been through so much yet still has the purest heart.

Never take him for granted and when he doesn’t like your boyfriend LISTEN. he knows best!!!

The thought of you coming any day is unreal.

The thought of pulling you onto my chest for the first time is breathtaking.

I have dreamed of the day I would hold you and Jack Elliott in my arms together and know that nothing and no one can take you two away from me.

It won’t feel real, it won’t hit until you’re here….

Adopting your brother was the greatest day of our lives and now it is your turn sweet angel.

it all still feels so unreal even with this belly and swollen feet I still can’t believe I get to be your mother….

To be a mother to Jack is just as equal to you but there is a difference in our bond…

it's NO more or NO less but there is a difference.

because we are women.

My mother, your grandmother is my greatest love….

we have been through so much

she has been my rock and she has also let me down many times..

She has struggled to find love for herself in this world that took her innocence so young..

She says I came out “knowing who I was” something she has never known..

Your grandmother is too hard on herself. She doesn’t see the importance she holds in my life and everyone around her. She lights up a room, she gives the shirt off her back, she is talented, she is strong, she is one of a kind, she is brave and she is MY MOTHER.

Just as Jack has taught me about myself, so will you. You both will show me the things I wish I had in myself that come to you both so naturally just like with my mother.

There will be times I let you down and there will be times I am your rock.

No matter the struggle or the triumph nothing will change that I AM YOUR MOTHER.

I pray that you never forget that and your Love for me is unconditional like mine is for you, like my mothers is for me, and like mine is for my Mother.

You only get ONE mother.

Whether she is the scum of the earth or she cuts your sandwiches into hearts she sacrificed SOMETHING for you to have it all.

My Journey has left me with multiple mothers like your Great Grandmother Mimi, Marty Towey and Aunt Linda. I will take everything they have taught me and raise you to know them and to be thankful you come from them.

One day when I’m gone I hope you read this or something I’ve left you and you feel sad because I’m not here but that you can laugh because you know I lived a life worth living and it had mostly to do with being YOUR MOTHER.

Jelly Bean you’re so special…. and not because you’re OUR daughter but because you’re HIS daughter.

You were made perfectly just for me jack and daddy and we can’t wait to kiss your cheeks!!!

Please come soon and if you feel like it COME FAST!!

like in the car on the way to the hospital kind of fast ;) I can handle it, maybe not daddy but he will come around when he sees you’re safe and sound :) just stubborn and to the point like HIM haha!!

See you Soon JB